Missing Anah

I always found myself speechless whenever I wanna talk about you. A deep scar in my heart and it still hurt me to even think of the tragedy that happened. And because of you I think I will starts to write again even though it's difficult to do. I miss you and losing you is something we will grieve in years to come.

Decision!

i guess the idea of setting up Dbyu Cipta is totally a mistake cos as for now i can't tolerate with everything that happens either here or back home. I'm worried with almost everything. Try to move on with life somehow something still holding me from letting go. i guess i need to go away for a bit and come back when i'm ready cos apparently i'm nothing closer to that. with working issues and too much sign up to lots of program, (which is i know i am not capable to attend to all), then list of vacations trip that i've paid for. after all what i need is a drastic job changing. i miss my season with Jets. wish can turn back to that one. i miss Lankayan's time with familiar faces surrounds. but what is best to do? will it be easy? God! i need to decide... i pray let it be a wise one this time... too much of everything can kill as said by somebody... and i guess it's right and i will start to let go one by one *sigh*

hurt and crashed!!!

no details allowed. just this two words and i'm completely bares, no solid ground to hold my feet on, no reason to live and no nothing at all... i determined from today on no more confront comes forward but to keep it on my own and shall not to spit out.

it sounds unfair at all but this is the best decision to make. i'm hurt, i'm lonely and definitely speechless. i lost my function to be the right hand anyway. i lost the higher place in his heart and i become common or maybe totally nobody to him. i try to push this away... trust me but the more i do the further i drowned.

i do look closely in the mirror and i'm in incomplete form of human (i guess). since then i know i shouldn't expect that i can make someone else life's complete by my presence or my existence! everything seems so far for me to achieve and i lost my self esteem. what i mean is... i have none and TOTAL ZERO. i know for sure now that there's no such things like simplicity in life cos all is blur and complicated.

i know no matter i said and do try my best i'm still in a losing side of this battle. i would never make it. it's not a waste anyway, cos at least i have the chance to see it clear thou it took me more than 10 months to get the whole message. and finally the truth has been spoken and as the outrageous result i have nothing again.

i pray hard now that i will get the strenght to starts from scrap. i won't says its the beginning but not the ends. my story line is just a whisper from a flies that nobody cares of and shouldn't wrote in any wall or journals. my story is just for me, for my broken heart and i know it would never told to anyone.

I Am Hurt!!!

I hate it when 'people' easily hurt me in so many ways. i'm not please with the situation that when he did that i'll end up cry and my tears run down my cheek. even for now, i'm crying in my heart but sometimes few things is not easy to spit out.

i feel confused when i, myself still need him to fill my space while he's hurting me that much. GOD!!! it's not easy at all... i wish i can have someone i can talk to and at least to connect my hurtness to a condition where i can cure myself.

Life could never been easy... not for me neither to anyone in this world and love can simply betrayed and hurt people in every details and in every breath that we take. I need someone to fix my broken wings or at least to hold my hand as i am totally lost in confusion right now.

wish all the 'best' person in my life still around and calm me down the way i want it to be. sometimes i cant bare my own feelings but i'm so lost in this battle. My heart, my mind and my soul can't go towards the same directions again and it's just like i'm having a nervous breakdown the way i have it 2 years ago. this thing really kills me inside and i don't even know where to turn to instead just to speak to myself and make notice to my own heart!

two years and i'm still here missing u....

two years and i'm still hurt thou by other person

two years is never enough to count that day away

u could never vanished and i could never drive u away from my mind.

I just being misjudge by the others but somehow life could never been easy

i wish that u still around so i can share the tears that i shed now

my other wings has broken now... and who could ever fix it again???

for that, i blame u for leaving me today (2 years ago)...

New page... New beginning

Shall i start with praises to the almighty... I've nailed it and i got the job. the dream job as told by aymeric... Seriously i cant wait for the opportunity to go to the Aussie's land and learn more about the biz. well, that's really big deal and am really happy for this.

at times.. sure am missing dad so much and hoping that he's still around and just to show and let him know that this 'piece of junk' can also do something better... i know somehow he'll be happy for me and he'll love me more for this...

another serious thingy.... AM MISSING HOME SO BAD... wish i can go home for a little while and just visiting everyone back home. whatever it is.. i feel am so BLESSED!!!!

Aiming higher

After all those bloody things, finally i managed to settle up bit by bit. surprisingly my heart still torn and ripped. well, nothing else can be done isn't it except swallow it and try to moved on.

Good! am happy with every achievement that i have for the moment but sometimes there's another pieces that we think it's missing... and those can be fix just by aiming higher and craving for more success. Am nearly done with it and wish to give it up when someone really knocked me on my head with such a subtial statement and asking me not to look back in order to be a success!

Anyway, thanks to him and mind me... i'll be always aiming for more cos there's no such satisfaction that can make me say yes and stop.

Sad and Grieved...

As a normal human being there's lots of things that we've seen or been through is tragically misinterpreted by our 'executive' minded. And as usual we'll try very hard to understand what's the meaning of every single things that happened.

our mind will be entrust by the belief that GOD made everything for reasons but does it ever cross your mind that sometimes it happens for nothing!!!

As we understand there's no REASON at ALL, we'll start to questioned lots of things. From small to big and we still couldn't get any answer for that...

I don't Understand....

Is it hard to satisfy another human being (esp. ur love ones)? When u try very hard to make it so perfect he will keep disappointing u by making some fatal comments. Some is hard to take, some could make u feel like u want to die at that very time...

And for sometimes i'm trying to find the reason or even just try to make conclusion or just to search for the right answer and i couldn't find any of it. And there's some point that u started to think u better off and leave alone. somehow after thinking bout how much u love him u just take it back cos u know u can't live without him!!!

For some reason, i always pray to GOD and hope that my LOVE will accept me as for what i am and of course he's free to complaint about me just STOP and find the better way instead of hurting my feelings. Last time i checked... I AM JUST ANOTHER HUMAN BEING!!!

A beginning to An Ending???

This just came accross my mind. When i thought something is over then it happens to be a beginning for another thing. Looking at the positive way it's totally good but when we think about the other thing that has ended especially the relationship its just kind of devastating. but always look at the brightside then its gonna make a better conclusion for everyone...

After all...

Well... two weeks ago i've been trying hard like hell to memorize my password for this damn blog and i couldn't get any combination works... but now hell ya in just one click i've got it done. i didn't even try hard its just came in my mind in a split seconds. Am glad and happy and missing to write in my blog...